Who doesn't like a bargain?! Well I always do, but only if it benefits me. For example BOGOF on steak would not be a bargain for me, BLEUGH. But a chiropractor appointment with spine alignment AND free massage for a few dollars (the exact amount is not important, you get a free MASSAGE, that's the important part) worth it hey. Of course I googled it before I went, thank you trusty Google, some what knew where I was going (as if) and off I trotted after work with a skip and a leap. Finally I was going to be rid of stupid lower back annoyance and be able to finally do a back flip.
So, turns out that this Chiro place was indeed just in someone's garage, look, they had a fancy desk and some fake plants so it felt some what professional, the plastic chairs socially distanced, again some what professional. But what wasn't professional was that the 2 people that went in before me ..... who may I add were only in there for less than 10 minutes were put through some sort of torture. I can only say that because there was a lot of "Ow's" "Fuck" and "Shit John" I did wonder what torture chamber I'd signed up for but like I say, the fake flowers led me to believe it was a legit joint.
When it was my turn, Marilyn greeted me with a smile and said she would be the one taking care of me this afternoon. Alrighty Marilyn lets crack on. I didn't say. She let me know I'd have my massage first then John afterwards. What ever works lady, I'm just here to leave feeling a million dollars.
The usual niceties occurred, yes yes, I know leave me for a minute, plonk all my clothes there, lie face down. Not my first rodeo Marilyn.
She leaves, with actually not enough time for me to undress, what did I look like Marilyn that I had Velcro clothes on, give me another 30 seconds at least. But instead she stands and watches me take my trousers off in a rushed fashion and watches me literally throw them across the room. Well I guess there goes my evening of chillaxing I'm now ironing my work trousers for tomorrow. Cheers Marilyn.
I try not to hold it against her.
Up I jump on the bed while trying to remove my bra with old Marilyn standing presumably frowning and like the proverbial stripper I lassoed it around my head and flung to where I thought my clothes pile was. Only it sort of landed on her salt lamp. "Good aim hey" I proudly said. Marilyn did not answer, jealous bitch.
"You want a relaxing one right" I was asked, "Shit no way, who ever ask's for that" I didn't say but thought. "Um, deep tissue if possible I'm quite stiff and I have loads of knots" I whimpishly stutter.
Marilyn responds with a sigh. She starts on my back and I'm trying to zone out and relax (not my strongest quality at all) just as I'm some what relaxing, old Marilyn starts tutting and sighing "Oh God I hate this song, this won't do" and buggers off to the other side of the room while she faffs around with some other CD's (yup, who uses CD's anymore) until she finds "the right one" as she makes her way to my legs, I'm secretly hoping she's a mind reader and actually I asked for deep tissue not bloody relaxing. All of a sudden I feel her hand on my left bum cheek, what the heck lady, there's no need for that, and I didn't ask "for extra's" my immediate reaction is to tense up to then be told "relax, you're so tense" of course I am Marilyn your oiled up hand is on my bum. To make it fair and even she did the right bum cheek as well, Far out Marilyn, I don't think they teach this at massage school. I may be wrong but I don't think I am.
By now I'm so tense my shoulders are up over my head, past the point of no return yet Marilyn thinks by slapping my head and ordering me to relax is going to work a treat. It doesn't. Funny that hey.
I'm now lying on my back and she takes my hand and begins to flap it around like some sort of dead fish, all the while telling me "Relax, Relax, RELAX" I look her square on in the eye and tell her "I'm trying too and I can't, I struggle to relax, hence why I'm here" and not because it was just a cheap deal on Groupon.
She changes up her tactic then and starts to stroke my leg while saying "Give thanks to your beautiful legs for keeping you up and for carrying you" "Thank you to your strong legs, for guiding you" Say thanks to your legs" now I wasn't sure if that was an order to say thank you or just I don't know some sort of tactic to get me to relax. I didn't say thank you, instead I barely was able to keep my giggles in. Back up to the arms where she's stroking them like some sort of Persian tiger "thank you for these beautiful arms, they give love, they comfort everyone, they hug and protect everyone, say thank you to these gorgeous arms for being able to give love" I didn't mind being told I have beautiful arms, not wanting to brag but I have. The gun show is real!
Then old Marilyn stops stroking (at last) and again start flapping my hand about, asking me "Why can't you relax, who's told you you can't relax, who's put all this pressure on you that you can't sit and rest, you keep going, you take everything on, you must learn to sit, people you live with can do more, the dishes can wait, the house work can wait, relax relax, RELAX ", Flappy arm, flappy arm
By this stage I was so over being told to relax I started to cry. What the heck Marilyn. I did NOT sign up to this malarkey.
Instead of offering me a tissue like any normal person would do she began to stroke my hand and then started smacking it. At least I'd get a good story out of this I was thinking.
Just when I was hoping and praying it was over, she moved to my head and started what can only be described as monkey behaviour. I don't know what she was looking for in my hair but she didn't find it. She also did some weird strokes on my face, again, not asked for and definitely not wanted. Note to self NO more Groupons and NO nice google reviews for you lady.
At last it was over and she said very proudly "I'd love to work on you again" "Oh most definitely, I would love that" of course I said, while cursing and repeating all kinds of hell Marys in my mind.
I was hoping John would be better and not such a weirdo.
Of course he wasn't. He rushed me in the room, basically told me he was magician and that Dr's don't know anything. Asked me to stand against the wall and face left while he took my picture, no chance for me to prep, strike a pose, nothing. Then as soon as he did that told me to get on the bed face down, went down my spine and then moaned because "You're so tense, you've just seen Marilyn why aren't you relaxed"
"Mate" I replied " I struggle to relax" "Obviously" he said with the biggest of sighs.
While lying flat he poked each hip bone and pulled each ankle and said "You're fucked" true story, those were his exact words. "Um excuse me" I asked. "Yeh you're fucked, your left side is shorter than your right, your hips are all out of alignment and your spine is terrible"
"Oh and the bad news is" he didn't find that funny. Maybe he need Marilyn to make him relax!
By now I'm pretty fed up and could actually just punch him in the head but I don't. He show's me my picture where he's drawn a nice little line through it to back up his side of the story that I am indeed "Fucked, your head sticks out too far and its the weight of 9.2kg's, you need help"
Tells me he can fix me but I need to get an X-ray, he ironically knows a guy, just tell him I referred you, you'll get a good deal. Hmmm I've just sworn off deals but if you say it's a good deal I could be persuaded. Nah I'm kidding. I knew this was not a good deal. I'm not that daft. I nodded in agreement and thanked him very much.
With that I'm shoved out the door to Marilyn grinning at the desk saying "Isn't he good" "Yeh good at being an idiot" I said in my mind
Smiling profusely and thanking them both so, so much and yes of curse I'll be back, oh you do have a business card why thank you and oh yes please do keep me updated on all your specials and new letter.
I ran out the door to my waiting car that was now parked up in the dark and probably feeling as spooked out as I was.
So I repeat NO more Groupon deal (or is it?!)
