Paying for torture

Thought I'd treat myself to a massage so I kept a beady eye on good old groupon and bought one the other day. I was quite hasty to buy it because I'd been sent an extra 20% off, didn't really read the full advert as like I said I had an extra 20% off. Checked it was local, tick. Check the valid until date, tick. Checked code number tick, bought deal tick.
Last week when I booked it I read it properly.......
FULL body massage...... Gulp. I only wanted my back sorting, but thought it couldn't be that bad. Surely.

When I eventually found the massage parlour it looked .... very much like erm a "massage parlour" you all know what I mean. Neon lights flashing, seady curtains draped over every inch of window. In I go and announce my arrival, scan groupon code and get asked "what massage" I'd had a quick chat with a friend at work and he said a remedial one is better as they get all the knots out. So that's what I asked for.
I got shown to my bed (1 of 3 and only divided by thin curtains I have to add)
And get instructed to "get naked, yes. But keep pants on, no bra" so I quickly do as I'm told, fumbling around in the dark and shoving various items of clothing where ever I can find a space. Sit on the bed and in she comes "turn over, lie on front" I was told. No pleasantries but figured I'm still quite tired from only having 4 hours sleep that night (Sean thought it was a good idea to drink vodka. .... A LOT, I wasn't suffering just a little more dazed than usual)
So I lie down making sure the towel is so close to me it's like a second skin. Little Thai lady (LTL) comes to the side and lifts off my second skin and holds it above me for way too long and it began to feel a little bit uncomfortable, I don't know what she was looking at, my pants were perfectly pretty. They were not Bridget Jones style. Maybe she was trying to read my new tattoo who knows but I was getting cold I wanted my second skin back.
When I eventually did get it back she then left ninja style. Eventually she came back and placed 2 boiling hot flannels on my feet. Which now in hindsight I should have realised was a thing of whats to come.
She then climbs on the bed and pushes my head further down in the hole of the massage table. Whilst she's on the bed she then decides to bend by legs up with boiling hot flannels still attached to now feet with third degree burns. Legs go back and then ninja style unbeknown to me but she must have double back flipped up into standing position I hear metal on metal and before I even have time to think or work out what is happening I feel a pair of ninja style feet and ninja style weight ON MY BACK.
What on earth, I didn't ask for this, I certainly didn't want this and I certainly did NOT pay for this.... or did I?
To say this LTL was brutal is an understatement. She was standing on me, and I had an hour of this. I had her tiny little foot in my shoulder blades whilst the other one was on the base on my spine, her full weight was pushing me so far on the bed I could barely breathe. I think I now must hold the record for the longest time holding ones breath. An hour people AN HOUR, I thought half way through that I was honestly going to die and then my second thought was "I'm going to die and I haven't owned a bulldog" I then felt guilty for thinking that, then thought I will miss Sean and the kids and I hope they keep the house clean and tidy.  Poor them having to tell people how I went. Sigh.
I did think that after maybe 5 minutes I'd be loose enough that she may then go down the route that all other masseuse's use THEIR HANDS. But no, she continued to walk on me working those tiny little feet into every knot and every bone. She had the audacity at one stage to shout "very tight" all I could do was murmur "mmmmm" on account to of not being able to breathe and not being able to move my mouth.

During this hour of torture I was punched all over my back while she somehow had me in a head lock, she punched and slapped my head serval times, she also punched my feet 4 times, I don't know why 4 times or the fact why I was counting how many times.  But c'mon. Whats with all the punching?
She karate chopped my head all over, my back AND put a boiling hot flannels on my eyes and pressed it in hard to my sockets. Not a good look with one's mascara NOT waterproof.  I looked like Alice Cooper when I came out.
She then went on to stand on one leg while my other leg was jumping in the air in fright. I got bent in ways I know aren't normal and I was put in moves like a giant game of solo twister which was not fun, not pleasant and like I said not what I bargained for.

After an hour she double back flipped off me (possibly slight exaggeration but you all know what these ninjas are like) disappears and leaves me wondering am I safe to move, if I move will I just crumble in a heap of dust, help I feel violated, great I have something good to blog about and dear me what has just happened.

When I emerged from the curtain she brings me a tiny little cup of tea, well I assume it was tea, it could have been anything. Beautiful cup and saucer so I felt I must drink it. It was pleasant and didn't offend me unlike the LTL.
As I get up to leave she smiles the biggest brightest smile and bows, unbeknown what to do (a bit like when Charlotte did a courtesy at Ob's Tae-Kwon-Do grading, all those doing grading at Tae-Kwon-Do must bow to the people grading them when they enter the room as a mark of respect, Ob bowed and she courtesied, it was hilarious) anyway I kind of did the same thing,  I half bowed, half prayed, half coursied. Then left very quickly thanking her, what was I thanking her for, she nearly killed me, sigh. Guess that's the English in me?
Phoned Sean and just said "Help, I've been violated"

I later realised the metal on metal was the coat hanger she must have used to stabilise herself with the bar going across the ceiling whilst walking up and down my poor broken body.
Do I feel better, do I ache less, do I intend to go back.
In short No, sigh.

Not my fault your name doesn't suit your face .....

Normally I'm really good with names, apart from calling my darling daughters boyfriend Ninja instead of his real name of Nigem, I blame this on my mum in law as she stayed with us for 6 weeks recently and she thought that was his name.

I have offended this poor boy unintentionally several times of which I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to share with you lot yet. Sigh. 

It's not bad by the way just me being me. (Which isn't a bad thing, I'm happy in my own little world.) 

Back to topic,  there is a lady in the department next to mine and her name is Sue. Well actually her name isn't Sue but that's what I call her. She looks like a Sue and as I've called it so many times I now can't call her anything but Sue. 

So picture this every time I walk through her department (desperately searching for a way out ..... still unsuccessful, double sigh) I holler out with a beaming smile and a wave "hi Sue". She looks at me and then looks behind her shoulder each time then just gives me a confused look. The other day I had to scream Sue 3 times before she looked up and help the customers that needed her expert help.... not my department you see so I was off the hook. 

I have no idea what her real name is but we are now at the stage where I've got another girl in my department calling her Sue, because she looks like a Sue. You know (apologies to any other Sue's out there but she's old, has mad white fluffy hair, glasses and .... looks like Sue. 

She actually sat next to me at lunch the other day even with me giving my get lost vibes. She didn't, she stayed till the bitter end and talked crap. Complete crap. I slyly took a picture but not sure it's professional to but a picture of ones colleague on ones blog??? I did show my in laws and they agreed yup, she looks like a Sue. 

So guess what Sue, you need to get used to it!! 

We had a charity dinner do thing at work on Monday and the HR manager was there with her plus one. So I'm sitting staring at him and staring like you do when you see a new face, turn to Sean and ask "who's that man with Charmaine" 

Sean "Damian, Mad, her husband" 

Me "Noooooo"

Sean "Yeeessssss" with a lot of sighs I have to add

Me "No, that's not the man we spent the evening with last year at the Lake before fireworks  (he was the one that was freaking me out about the bats and spiders .... do you remember?) "Doesn't even look like him or sound like him, no, you're clearly wrong" 

Sean "OK Mad"

Determined to out him as the liar he clearly is I turn to our friend and ask the same question and she said the same "her husband" 

"Noooooooo,  it's not" I tell her,  clearly she heard Sean's reply and was trying to send me mad. 

So I turn to our other friend and she tells me the same. All liars I believe, I also think I need a new circle of friends, ones that aren't liars. Because I'm telling you that was NOT her husband.