Near enough to the day of my anniversary with living in this amazing country I was faced with the another near death experience being ...... yes you've guessed it ..... what I like to call them as, a .........."scary"
Picture this, I'm at a clients house and we are in the hallway chatting and I happened to look up.... big mistake but in some ways not. Depends how you look at it.
Oh my goodness I cannot begin to tell you how big this thing was, my first shriek was "Oh my god what's that in the corner" to then "Why is it so big"
My poor client clearly seeing my terror and possibly on account that I was indeed screeching quite loudly "Kill it, Kill it, I'm so scared of them"
She tried to reassure me and told me it was ok she would indeed get it. I'd like to say she rushed off but if truth be known it was more of a slow and slightly painful meander on account of her being of poor mobility and on the wrong side of 90. Undeterred though she walked the short distance from the hallway to the bathroom / utility room to get the spider spray.
Meanwhile I was screeching in terror still "why is it so big" It was right by the front door and really my only way out, I was shaking in sheer fright by the back door (lives in what we call a bungalow but here they call house I guess) I had actually scanned the garden as an escape route but I figured I'd probably look like a bit of a tool and also it backed on to a very busy main road. So I stayed fixed to my spot while trying not to look at the scary but having trouble not to as it cast such a shadow on the front door it felt like it was night time.
Client is now staggering back (poor love) with the can of spider spray. She has to get fairly close as you can imagine. I'm near on tears now I don't admitting.
You know when you are trying to be brave but just can't manage it and you also get a little bit of the giggles just because you're clearly hallucinating and or in complete denial and shock by what you are really seeing. That was me. Sigh
She kept reassuring me "Don't worry, I'll get it, you'll be fine'
As much as I wanted to believe her, I didn't because by now she has sprayed at least half a can of spider spray on it and IT WAS NOT dying. Please animal lover don't hate me, I love animals but these things are not in any way shape of form within the realms of my admiration.
I did tell you a little while ago how in my interview when asked if I liked animals I replied "yes but I'm petrified of spiders"
Picture this..... little old lady spraying with all her might while unfortunately breathing in all the fumes of the spider spray and having me yelling at her.
This thing decided not to die but instead very slowly and very carefully extend one leg after the other and indeed walk down the wall.
It had legs longer than any super model and was not afraid to show them off, heck if my legs were that long and slim I would wear nothing but hot pants (trust me I would) but as I'm blessed with vertically challenged ones there's no hot pants for me. I did use to wish for longer legs but never got them.... also the "slender your legs in 5 easy moves" does NOT work.
It gets half way down the wall and stops, presumably just because it wants to reign more terror on me and also because, well like I said if I had legs that long I too would also only walk a few metres, stop, extend for all to see and stand there for admiration.
Please believe me when I say it was bigger than my hand. It was dark, hairy (Ok I'm guessing it was hairy I didn't actually see) and so so so big. I very almost got my phone out of my bag to take a picture but then realised I was frozen to the spot and couldn't.
Client now goes off to get her broom, luckily also just off the hallway and comes back to "KILL IT" she manages to get it off the wall and boom there is a slight shudder of the house when it landed. But its not dead, in fact it just cushioned itself with the broom, probably felt like a nice relaxing massage (bet it wasn't as horrible as mine) She then is finding the strength of a small army and raises the broom above her head and whacks it several times. Body parts came off at this stage, but it still kept extending those blummin long slim legs (bastard).
After a great deal more whacks and the other half of the spider spray it finally gave up the ghost. Tears still falling from my eyes in horror I then begin my acceptance speech which consisted of a billion thank yous, a hundred thousand you're so brave, and another million, why was it is so big.
She deposited the things what were left of it in to the toilet and flushed it away, which would have been wonderful apart from 5 minutes later after dancing around desperate for a wee I had to get her to check it was indeed flushed (yes I made her lift the seat also to check it hadn't been reincarnated and ready to pounce again).
Have to tell you as you can appreciate I would have made it into the Guinness book of records with how quick I was.
For a good 3 weeks after I had flash backs and now they're not as frequent I do feel in some way shocked and may possibly have PTSD. The cure for me I believe is new shoes and possibly a holiday? Haven't yet approach that idea with my darling hubby as he's in rehab (no not that rehab silly) rehab for having both ankles operated on, which as he was wheeled down with his little paper hat on and shaven half calves told me as he was entering the theatre room "they don't recommend having both done Mad as the recovery is so bad" after I questioned "everyone else seems to be having just one done"
He had a telling off don't worry. Also a lot of sympathy I don't mind sharing, especially when he had his "special shoes on"!
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