Promotion to pro diver

I have another 3 hours to kill in Cairns airport so perfect opportunity to update you lot on our week here.

To start, I have this awesome app that let's you know every day, some times twice if you're lucky amazing flight deals. Sounds great doesn't it? It is until you keep buying all these bargains and work out that working now 20 hours a week does not pay the same as full time.
I blame this whole new hobby of mine on Super as she introduced me to it and told me how amazing it was. She's the very best worse friend.

Actually as I type this I realise we didn't book these flight with that app but with Qantas who also email me very regularly about their amazing deals.
Anyway, waffling aside. We have had a week in Cairns, and not without dramas along the way.
First blip of the journey... got on the plane and tried to listen to my music with my new fancy wireless headphones,  I was pretty unimpressed that no matter how much I turned the volume up on the phone it barely got louder in my ears.... I realised a short while later that the 2 weren't connected. Ooops.

When we landed and got the hire car we just chilled and looked at the sea with the "Beware crocodile" sign proudly telling us that crocs may be in this area. Gulp.
We avoided even going on the sand as "they'll spot us, chase us and eat us and that will mess my day up" deciding they probably wouldn't want to climb the tiny wall up to the pavement I thought we'd be safe walking along there. (I was right)

In the evening we strolled around the town, I looked up and saw the birds flying around looking all spectacular ...... until we realised the lovely little birds were in fact giant bats. By giant I mean actual Batman sized bats, and not just a handful there were hundreds and hundreds and they squeal and shriek and generally are very anti social.
The town is over come by a witching hour, at dusk the whole place changes into some horror weilding nightmare. As we walked back to the car we heard a lot of shouting and arguing and a man declare "I'm so angry I'm going to kill my mum" (crocs felt safer at this point)
Eeek, that's a pretty angry man so we backtracked and hung around with the bats until we decided he'd left where we'd parked the car.

Driving back to the apartment we stopped at the T junction and 4 lanes opposite on the pavement I could see a man standing arguing with someone but actually there was no one there, he had his arm extended and waving it whilst arguing, a few seconds later he walked further down the pavement and was opposite us (still 4 lanes away) as we saw a break in the traffic and started to drive and turn right this maniac decided to start running towards us full pelt, Sean had to floor the car to avoid him running in to us, then to add to it he chased us a little bit up the road.
Totally spooked by this we ran from the car to the room and sat in utter disbelief.  Ob then asked was it because "he heard you talking about him"
Yes Ob he could hear me say "what's that idiot doing over there" 4 lanes away, he then changed it to "do you think he could lip read" "yes son, I do believe he had super hero powers to enable him to lip read in the dark"

Fun parts now.... Fitzroy Island.... amazing, we snorkelled with turtles.
Rewind 4 hours and picture me hysterical and hyperventilating "mum, you're not even in the water yet" this part was true, but I was standing near it so I felt justified in freaking out. I hate the water as you know due to wardrobe malfunctions and my general fear of the water.
But you can't go all the way to The Great Barrier Reef and not snorkel can you. So donning my mask and flippers, I stood and panicked some more while Ob stood there looking puzzled and trying to coax me into the water. "It's fine mum, just put your face in the water and kick your legs" for the first 30 minutes I clenched on the snorkelled like my life depended on (well actually I guess it did) I made Darth Vada sound quiet, I'm sure my raspy breathing scared the fish away.
But come the end of it I was as happy as a pig in the proverbial poop. To say I loved it is an understatement. To show you how much I declared to the boys "I'm going to snorkel all around Australia" to which they both coughed, in I believe sheer admiration and also jealously because they didn't think of it first.

So the turtles.... Oh my goodness, I was etactic seeing them, I cannot tell you how absolutely amazed and chuffed I was to see them and to actually be within touching distance. If I could have jumped up and down on the spot I would have but on account of me being in the water and not able to touch the bottom I resisted.

The day after we went to the actual Barrier Reef, so there we were in the huge ocean with nothing but water to see ..... gulp, we were in group 4 for our dive and I'm sure the instructors missed groups 1 -3 as we were called really before I was ready.
Rewind an hour and picture this, dive briefing talk about to start which is pretty important... have to know the signs for help I'm freaking out, holey crap a shark and also how to breathe.
So during this time Sean was out the back of the boat feeling sea sick and I was doing my good wifey duties and standing there looking at him (and the sea.... so much sea, really there was)
Get back in eventually and ask Ob what do we need to know "loads" he tells us.
Well thanks son, any chance you can share with us, "there's too much to tell you"
Being as this was my second dive (yes get me, practically a pro) I felt confident I absolutely was going to freak out while I sat there with scuba tank and badly fitting mask. All of a sudden we were told to roll in the sea. What... roll as in get in??? I sort of flopped very ungracefully and flapped around looking for some thing to grab hold off. Luckily the back of the boat was to hand as I look across and see Sean and Ob looking calm and confident hanging on. We had to show the instructor we could get water out of our mask if needed, which I managed to bluff through, then had to blow through our noses... epic fail I was unable to do it. Twice I tried, plus my ears were killing me and wouldn't pop, we'd moved down even lower on the back of the boat by now.
Several attempts later to pop my ears and to blow out through my nose and the instructor telling me "you really can't do it" during one of our trips to the top.
I decided to stop wasting Sean and Ob's time and called it quits. BUT.... I still claim I dived in the Reef, I had a wetsuit on, scuba tank plus I was very well submerged in the water.
I was then left to go back and snorkel so I was more than happy, although at one stage I did feel I was part of Titanic.... there was hundreds (ok about 30) of us in the water, miles away from the boat and to see all these head just bobbing about made me feel like Rose. But I had no plank of wood to hang on to, just me and my flippers and badly fitting mask.

What I've learnt this week

Having sat through another hideous interview I've realised again that I must get better prepared with questions.
Such as the salary and if I get paid superannuation in my pay or not (still don't fully understand that so I normally don't worry about that question, It's only when my darling husband asks "Is pay with or without super Mad? My reply is normally "Yes" covers all bases then.

I have learnt it's wise to not get necklace hooked to my top and then struggle to get over my head just at the massage lady is opening the door and I literally did bare all. Note to self be quicker and stop admiring all the Buddha's and wondering what scent the candle is.
On the plus she did not use her feet (helped that my friends bought me the voucher for my birthday so they went to a reputable one) although my bottom was massaged a lot for back neck and shoulders.

To try and get better at drawing on account that the 11 year old lad I work with couldn't tell that my drawing was The Statue of Liberty, he asked me in a very high pitched shocked voice "What's that in her hand"
Sigh, My Cruella De Vil picture somehow ended up like she had boobs for eyes. I was trying to draw her with crazy eyes. DID NOT work. Again he was not impressed with that.

When submitting an assignment spell check as "Calcium is needed for strong boners" does not get you any marks.

I shouldn't take pre work out ever again, as believe me I do not need it and it made me a little wired to say the least, Ob of course thought it was hilarious. The poor girl at the reception desk at the gym when I gave her my key back must've had her hand on the panic button under the desk.
On the plus I did a new class called Metafit and it is awesome.

When asking the student at work 'have you ever tried Coq En Bush' Google correct pronunciation first.

When buggering up back at work, ensure fit Dr is working in ED. (Helps with recovery I believe)

Yes I absolutely do need to take 6 pairs of shoes away when I go for a weekend, and yes Sean it is absolutely vital and necessary that I take 4 bags.

Don't drive over bumps in the car when applying 12 hour lipstick as it literally does what it says on the tin.

Remember to do zip up on work trousers and not flash bright pink knickers to all on the ward. Sigh

Do not trip over own feet when super hot DR is walking towards you as you flash him a killer smile that probably did look killer as I nearly toppled over.

Do not lock another Dr in the kitchen while he's making his 4 pm cup of coffee.... and probably best not to add 'bet you enjoyed that'

Don't forget gym towel for after the shower as dri-fit gym clothes also do what it says on the tin.



Think that's about all folks!!

Communication Issue's part 2

If someone asked you to go to a fitness exhibition and it started at 10 am and you lived 3 hours drive away would you leave at 5 am in the morning??

No, nor would I.... but I did.. sort of.

As you know I am LOVING the gym to the point where Sean thinks I have an unhealthy relationship with it. I wake up in the middle of the night excited because I want to go,  I look at site after site of techniques and now I'm on to gym clothes (I am in the minority of Australia though and I actually wear mine because I do go to the gym, not because I'm going shopping or to the pub)
So this little blog is dedicated to Super's husband who was my chauffeur for the day and bag carrier. He may argue and say differently.
We have erm, a love hate relationship. We bicker and fight like siblings. He's annoying and is an idiot but his wife is my gym buddy and is Super cool and amazing. The love hate relationship is that he loves me because I'm funny and awesome I hate him because he's a idiot.

A few weeks ago I asked him if he wanted to go to the fitness thing with me. Super was working so she couldn't come. Sean wasn't working but had to go to work (Sigh) so it would just be us 2, which caused Super and Sean much delight thinking of us 2 spending the whole day together.

I was asked what time I wanted to leave weeks ago and I said "5 am so we can do star jumps and push ups in the queue until it opens". So I ask you, would YOU take that seriously??
Friday the night before the conversation went like this.... (word for word minus the swear words he called me).
Me 'What's the plan for tomorrow'
SH (Super's Husband) 'I'll pick you up at 5 am, you don't speak or try to make small talk you just shut up and enjoy the scenery. We stop and get a coffee some where, you pay. We get there you pay for parking, I go left you go right.... we meet up later and repeat on the way home'.
Me 'Stuff you I'm going left'
SH 'No stuff you'
Me "Lsten why do you have to be a douche. Just tell me what time you're coming. You bring the sweets and I'll bring the music and YOU just drive'
SH "I'll pick you up at 5 am unless you want to drive and then I'll meet you at 5am'
Me "I definitely do not want to drive'
SH "Right 5 am it is, no messing about, just be ready"
Me "I'm already ready"
Me "Why do you have to be so angry tonight"
SH "I'm normal, you're just over sensitive"

So still no closer to the actual time I asked Sean to tx him when he got home he refused saying I should sort it out myself. Txd Super at what was now 11 pm, un be known to me she was in bed and didn't see the message until the morning.
At 5.21 am I was woken to my phone ringing..... it was Supers husband wondering where I was.
Rushed outside and asked in hysterics "Why are you here" "Because you told me you wanted to leave at 5 am" was his reply. "I WAS JOKING" I hollered back.
So then we discussed this some more and decided he should get coffee's while I went and sorted the bouffant and clothes out.

Got in the car at 6 am and pretty much laughed about it the whole way there. What an idiot and I don't mean me.

We discussed it over dinnet, all four of us and the consensus was that I was RIGHT (well maybe the other 3 said differently but it's my blog and I say it wasn't my fault.

The fitness show was brilliant, a lot of fit and muscly good looking men, A lot of posers and a lot of fake boobs and pouts. SH and I were the only ones NOT in active wear. Like he said which is actually pretty hilarious "You don't go to the Lion King dressed as a lion". He does make a good point.


On this note and kind of related when I met with the girls I used to work with last week, I was the only one there on time at 7 pm like we agreed and they all turned up at 7.30 pm. So who's at fault there? Clearly again NOT me.

Just to finish off and to make you chuckle hopefully a bit more.
Whilst at Tabata the instructor asked me where my partner in crime was, my innocent reply..."She's in Sydney with my husband" after seeing her confused face I then went on to say "Don't worry I'm with her husband Thursday night"

It wasn't until half way through the class I realized the peculiar looks from her was because she clearly didn't know Super and Sean were actually away with work and were due back Thursday night where we were all meeting for dinner.

Just another normal day for Maddi!!

Custom's alert...

April fool's day was just a little while ago, and thought I'd play the greatest trick ever on my poor unsuspecting friend.
She always sends me proper English Cadbury chocolate (Aussie Cadbury just ain't right) she has since said that she won't send me any more because of this but I'm hoping she's lying.....
As always her little parcel popped through the post, hidden by me as I DON'T SHARE but not before spying some thing in there that shouldn't be.
Not really sure I should declare it on here as she may now get into trouble. But lets just say it shouldn't have been in the envelope.
I messaged her to say this and put the panic alarm to a slight tremble for her. True to style she then kept sending me links of bio hazardness and stuff like that... DID NOT READ, deleted straight away.
Over drinks one night with Super and her husband I quickly began to hatch a plan with Super's hubby in tow and prompted what to do we got our wickedness ready for 1st April.
Being now 9 hours ahead it was a long wait until we could make the call.

Phones primed and ready, my phone on speaker and muted on Super's husband. He went off to the other room to make said call from "Australian Customs"
But boooo, my friend did not pick up. Answer phone message left and informed they would call again on Monday as it was now Saturday.
Meanwhile I had txd said friend to put her off the scent that anything was going on. In panic stations she messages back "Didn't think customs worked on Saturday" I replied "Sorry, I haven't been allowed to talk to you about this, but they've had me in for questioning" her quick reply was that actually her partner posted the envelope and put the foreign matter in, so it's his fault not hers and therefore she won't get into trouble. Talk about a snitch!!
Had her going for a few tx's and may have actually had a few too many gins, as the last message was that she was going to ring customs herself and literally turn herself in.
Monday morning came (now 2 days later) and went where I meant to own up but forgot, it wasn't until it was Monday evening when Sean asked "You have let her know now haven't you Mad"
EEEEK... I hadn't but quickly did.

She was NOT impressed but secretly I think she thought it was brilliant.

On the flip side, we actually did have a letter from customs land in our mail box 2 days ago... it appears our 15 year son tried TWICE I might had to buy a Karambit form China and have it sent here. The reason "Because its cool and you can do tricks with it"
Sigh, double sigh and grounded for a year.

Communication issues...

As you know, I go to the gym. Sean says A LOT but I don't think 5 times a week is obsessive, do you? (I did go twice in a day last week but that's normal right?) I still haven't got my 6 pack and I did a full minute last week of side planks. I must check the small print of my gym contract I'm sure some where down the line they promised that I would get one. Add that to my list of things to do.

A few months ago I persuaded my friend to get a free 7 day trial pass to see if she would love it as much as me. We started off with a pump class. Who doesn't like lifting the weight of a small car above their head at 6 in the morning.
Then we decided we would do spin together the next day. The conversation went like this
Me "Do you fancy spin tomorrow at 6.15"
S (Short for Super... not a long story but this is my blog about me not her, just know she's called Super and she lives up to her name)
S replies "Yup, I'm game"
Me "I always sit at the front in front the fan, I'll get there early and grab our bikes"

So now you have the start of the story, the very next morning Sean gets to work and a slightly confused Super asked Sean "What happened to Maddi today at the gym, I was there on my own and I sat right at the front"
(Not that it's a problem being at the front but newbies DON'T do that, you start at the back and slowly gain confidence and creep to the front).
He looks as confused as her and said he didn't know. quickly tx's me to tell me poor Super was on her own to which my quick reply was "I meant 6.15pm, the morning spin starts at 6am, I figured the time of day was clear when I said 6.15.
But obviously not.

But not to worry that weekend we thought we'd go shopping, Sean was at work so I was free to spend, spend, spend. We had breakfast together after doing GRIT class which our timings were impeccable, I always get there early to get the fan, although since then when the GRIT lady asked if that was why I always stood there people have been stealing my spot. To say it gets me annoyed is an understatement.

After breakfast we went our separate ways to change and raid the piggy banks. Parting words were "Tristan will drop me off I'll tx you when we leave" Perfect, so off I rush to raid Sean's stash of dollars (then conveniently blame it on the kids) Wait for my tx, do the final fluffing of the bouffant, apply lipstick check bottom is looking good, check if there's any abs yet, nope still no 6 pack and wait patiently for Super to drive the 10 minutes to my house.
After 15 minutes, no Super. Not to worry, give some more time to fluff bouffant a bit more and to check bottom and abs situation.
At 25 minutes I get the tx "I'm here" so I grab my bag run out the front door and DO NOT see Super. Go back inside scratch head and then run back outside thinking she may be playing tricks. Still no Super. So I call her "Where are you" her reply "I'm at the DFO where are you"
"Erm Super I'm at home because you said Tristan was dropping you off, which I assumed was to me so I would drive us"
Tumble weed moment where we both squint an eye grimace and wonder if we actually arranged that or not. I blame her, I was clearly not in the wrong.

Example 3 of Supers lack of communication skills. We were both off last Monday phone call as follows "lets meet for coffee at Gold Creek" Super "Ok see you there"
How we managed to meet and actually have coffee is still a mystery.

Another one was again the to do with the gym "Are you keen for spin tomorrow" I asked after I'd just txd to say I'd done Tabata, so clearly if I'd just done an evening class I wouldn't be doing a morning one, Right??
"Sure" she replies.

I wake up at 6am, to a tx from Super saying "Where are you I'm in the pump room"
So here's the proof, not only was she at the gym at the wrong time of day but also in the wrong room.

I rest my case.

We are on a girls night out tonight, hopefully we'll make it and hopefully we are actually meeting tonight. Who actually knows.... watch this space

First and last admission ..... I hope

I hoped never to be writing about this, but I'm afraid the time has come to admit something.
Near enough to the day of my anniversary with living in this amazing country I was faced with the another near death experience being ...... yes you've guessed it ..... what I like to call them as, a .........."scary"

Picture this, I'm at a clients house and we are in the hallway chatting and I happened to look up.... big mistake but in some ways not. Depends how you look at it.
Oh my goodness I cannot begin to tell you how big this thing was, my first shriek was "Oh my god what's that in the corner" to then "Why is it so big"
My poor client clearly seeing my terror and possibly on account that I was indeed screeching quite loudly "Kill it, Kill it, I'm so scared of them"
She tried to reassure me and told me it was ok she would indeed get it. I'd like to say she rushed off but if truth be known it was more of a slow and slightly painful meander on account of her being of poor mobility and on the wrong side of 90. Undeterred though she walked the short distance from the hallway to the bathroom / utility room to get the spider spray.
Meanwhile I was screeching in terror still "why is it so big" It was right by the front door and really my only way out, I was shaking in sheer fright by the back door (lives in what we call a bungalow but here they call house I guess) I had actually scanned the garden as an escape route but I figured I'd probably look like a bit of a tool and also it backed on to a very busy main road. So I stayed fixed to my spot while trying not to look at the scary but having trouble not to as it cast such a shadow on the front door it felt like it was night time.
Client is now staggering back (poor love) with the can of spider spray. She has to get fairly close as you can imagine. I'm near on tears now I don't admitting.
You know when you are trying to be brave but just can't manage it and you also get a little bit of the giggles just because you're clearly hallucinating and or in complete denial and shock by what you are really seeing. That was me. Sigh

She kept reassuring me "Don't worry, I'll get it, you'll be fine'
As much as I wanted to believe her, I didn't because by now she has sprayed at least half a can of spider spray on it and IT WAS NOT dying. Please animal lover don't hate me, I love animals but these things are not in any way shape of form within the realms of my admiration.
I did tell you a little while ago how in  my interview when asked if I liked animals I replied "yes but I'm petrified of spiders"

Picture this..... little old lady spraying with all her might while unfortunately breathing in all the fumes of the spider spray and having me yelling at her.
This thing decided not to die but instead very slowly and very carefully extend one leg after the other and indeed walk down the wall.
It had legs longer than any super model and was not afraid to show them off, heck if my legs were that long and slim I would wear nothing but hot pants (trust me I would) but as I'm blessed with vertically challenged ones there's no hot pants for me. I did use to wish for longer legs but never got them.... also the "slender your legs in 5 easy moves" does NOT work.

It gets half way down the wall and stops, presumably just because it wants to reign more terror on me and also because, well like I said if I had legs that long I too would also only walk a few metres, stop, extend for all to see and stand there for admiration.
Please believe me when I say it was bigger than my hand. It was dark, hairy (Ok I'm guessing it was hairy I didn't actually see) and so so so big. I very almost got my phone out of my bag to take a picture but then realised I was frozen to the spot and couldn't.
Client now goes off to get her broom, luckily also just off the hallway and comes back to "KILL IT" she manages to get it off the wall and boom there is a slight shudder of the house when it landed. But its not dead, in fact it just cushioned itself with the broom, probably felt like a nice relaxing massage (bet it wasn't as horrible as mine) She then is finding the strength of a small army and raises the broom above her head and whacks it several times. Body parts came off at this stage, but it still kept extending those blummin long slim legs (bastard).
After a great deal more whacks and the other half of the spider spray it finally gave up the ghost. Tears still falling from my eyes in horror I then begin my acceptance speech which consisted of a billion thank yous, a hundred thousand you're so brave, and another million, why was it is so big.
She deposited the things what were left of it in to the toilet and flushed it away, which would have been wonderful apart from 5 minutes later after dancing around desperate for a wee I had to get her to check it was indeed flushed (yes I made her lift the seat also to check it hadn't been reincarnated and ready to pounce again).
Have to tell you as you can appreciate I would have made it into the Guinness book of records with how quick I was.

For a good 3 weeks after I had flash backs and now they're not as frequent I do feel in some way shocked and may possibly have PTSD. The cure for me I believe is new shoes and possibly a holiday? Haven't yet approach that idea with my darling hubby as he's in rehab (no not that rehab silly) rehab for having both ankles operated on, which as he was wheeled down with his little paper hat on and shaven half calves told me as he was entering the theatre room "they don't recommend having both done Mad as the recovery is so bad" after I questioned "everyone else seems to be having just one done"
He had a telling off don't worry. Also a lot of sympathy I don't mind sharing, especially when he had his "special shoes on"!

Near death ...... more than once.

During our Around the World in 80 Malls we also did a bit of shopping in Bangkok, well rude not too isn't it. Even though our suitcases were bulging within an inch of their lives (one has since burst but I blame that on airport staff and not my shopping) Bangkok was amazing if you can get over all the girls on the street saying "Hey Mister" to you and the stray cats (ok there were only a few but enough for me to get freaked out by), oh and crossing the road.... my advise run with a local. They don't adhere to traffic lights and nor do the cars. Come to think of it I don't here in Australia BUT abroad I do as they are all crazy. If you think hook turns are crazy in Melbourne cars in Bangkok are far worse.
Our hotel was amazing, the boy did good booking that one. He definitely has earned brownie points, but don't tell him! It had a gadget for turning on the a/c from the bed, the lights clock etc. Also has controls in the bathroom to have the TV sound on while you lazed in the massive bath. Best thing though.... a glass screen between the bedroom and the bathroom that became clear and frosted at the touch of a button (it's the little things that please me) We had many a good time just flicking the switch on and off because that's how we roll. I sent a picture to Ob with it as clear glass his immediate response "Urgh, that's gross why would any one do that" my reply "So I can check dad's washing properly"He was NOT impressed with that reply either.

I had a few too many near death experiences. Sean will tell you another story but what does he know, he was too busy answering my 55th million dollar question "How much is that in Australian money"
The first one being we may or may not have drunk too much one evening. I can't remember which as like I say I drank too much. I don't remember drinking that much but then isn't that the same for everyone? As we only now had one day in Bangkok due to the unexpected stop over in Dubai I was determined to at least see something of Bangkok. So shopping it was. For the first 5 hours I was a zombie and barely struggling to converse then I began to perk up so that was good because it meant yay shopping. Just a few things purchased (honestly) during this 5 hours I may have stumbled slightly on the escalator causing me to shriek and grab Sean's arm and promptly tell him "I nearly died again then" he looks puzzled and asks when the first time was. "Erm this morning I proudly tell him, when I was hungover" I just got the look of unknowing.
(PS while writing this, I do have a wine glass to hand..... full of sparkling water, tastes better in a wine glass, try it)
So that's 2 experiences down, on now to our beautiful relaxing paradise holiday to Ko Samui. Tropical, white sands and romantic... you all on board?
So weather was checked prior to leaving Australia and yes it was indeed still raining there and had been for the last few months, but surely a bit of rain is ok? Weather checked again on the day of departure. Yup still raining and will do the whole time we are there. P'hah who listens to that. I've seen the photos its going to be paradise. We are going to sit at our private pool every day relaxing, occasionally looking lovingly at each other and blow a kiss or 3, whilst having daily massages and the occasional stroll down to the beach. We will write our names in the sand and post a picture to make everyone jealous because we are going to paradise. Don't forget I've been looking at pictures of this for the last 6 months.

Plane boarded in stifling 500 degrees heat and we're off the short one hour to Ko Samui..... or are we? Sigh

Captain signals for the cabin crew to take their seats as we are landing, after 10 minutes I was a little puzzled that we hadn't actually landed. Look to my left as I'm by the window and just see the sea, just a small panic not enough to cause a shriek. 20 minutes later we are doing what seems to be a hand break turn in the air and yup more sea. By now I am completely loosing the plot in my head. I am not good with water and do not want to crash in the sea. I'm now feeling tearful as the kids will be orphans, also wondering if the suitcases would float so I could at least die with Marc. I sort of gave Sean this grimace face of trying not to show I was very very scared. No one else on the plane seemed bothered. 25 minutes later the captain yells something in Thai but I hear the word Phuket. Then repeats in English. Yup we're en route to Phuket. A small part of me was quite glad as the sea did not look inviting at all and I was beginning to wonder how I'd get my suitcase. The landing was bumpy and quite comforting NOT to see that there was a fire engine on standby at the side of the runway. Were we on fire? I couldn't see any flames not could I smell flames. This was not helping my hysteria one bit. We landed on 1 wheel while the whole plane was shaken and not stirred. People actually clapped when we'd landed. We then thought wahay it's not raining hope we can stay here, sadly though the captain soon put a downer on that and said we were only refuelling and then trying again. If we didn't do it this time it was back to Bangkok. Slight annoyance as we were planning on sitting on our sun loungers for 5 days and staring lovingly at each other. But if we must go Bangkok then it was ok.
This captain must have had balls of steel because believe me when we landed jeeze did we ever. I didn't think we were going to stop. Only mild whip lash I have to add. It was horrendous. Never mind we'd landed in paradise. Yay us..... WRONG.
So a brief glimpse out of the window ... yup that's rain I see and not just any old ran this was huge downpours, we were hustled off the plane, presumably quite quick so the Captain could change his pants. Bustled on to a little bus with open sides, I had to cover Marc from the rain which involved me getting soaked... but a small price to pay for my beloved Marc. (still smugly smiling every time I write that, look at Marc or indeed take Marc out in public, hehehe)
We have the joy of waiting until the very last bags have come on the carousel (one day, just one day I'd like mine to be first) wait around for our driver who was late and not in my good books.
Arrived at the villa after driving through a lot of puddles and seeing a lot of soaking wet people, also admiring people that can only be described as cooking in their front room / home made restaurant on the side of the road. Bit of an eye opener.

Got the guided tour of the villa and then left to erm.... look at the rain. Hmmm not what we ordered at all. Still not to be deterred we decided to go out. Got a taxi to the nearest town where yes, it was still raining but as it was quite muggy wasn't too bad. Found a great bar that sold buckets two4one. So we had a few of those and enjoyed the half naked girl dancing behind us. Poor thing she was so hot I felt like taking over from her but I'm not sure I had the right gyrating hips and moves that she did.
It was more entertaining watching the drunk man behind us trying to sit on his chair and actually walk. He in the end got escorted off. Great amusement.
Got home and there may have been a slight naked pool incident but that is between me and hopefully not the security cameras!!

Woke up with the hope and expectation of sun, erm NO. More rain, heavier, fatter and just well more. Still not defeated we went to get a taxi to town to mooch only to be told "the taxi's cant get into town, the road is flooded" "WHAAAAT" "No taxi's can get through"
Hmm well we don't actually believe you, how can it be THAT bad. Sigh. Still they know best so we didn't risk it. Instead we stayed in and admired our beautiful pool from inside the villa.
Next day... surely there has to be sunshine? We came here to be romantic and look like a vogue magazine. Still raining... by now a little cabin fever had set in, so we decided to brave the town regardless. We got the villa driver to take us as far as we could then decided to walk the rest. How bad can it be???
Well let me tell you..... It was bad, oh so very bad. The roads were indeed flooded and to make matters worse we had to wade through them to get to the town. At first I though yeh only a bit of water, what's the worse it can do, its only just covering my toes...... Oh my goodness how wrong can I be.
Every corner we turned, every road we went down got worse and worse, deeper and deeper. The locals were wading through it as it was every day (well to them it was, it'd been raining since November) Sean being the ever optimist was very calm and holding my hand like a 3 year old as we waded through the rain by now it was ankle deep. My concerns about what was in the water were simmering but still comfortable. I was more concerned with loosing my flip flops as they were my very favourite black pair. Sigh
It all suddenly came to a sticky point when the last road we had to walk down was in fact now knee height. No way I adamantly said. We stood there for around 20 minutes debating just how we were going to get down this last road and after watching several other people wading through and indeed coming out alive I told Sean to "Just lets do it"
Step down and freaked and then panicked and said I couldn't do it, Sean still clenching my hand pulled me and reassuringly said "It'll be fine Mad' more shrieks from me, then decided I would be brave. Walking like my dear old gran used to by sliding one foot tentatively along before moving the next one we got knee height. Only because my legs are soo short I was more thigh height by now.
It started to get deeper and I started to get more frightened so begged Sean to get over to the nearest shop front that had steps that were still just about visible. Made it there and I had hmm lets say a little melt down. Sean has exaggerated and told people I was having a major melt down.
I was crying, I was so scared. I told him that I couldn't go any further and I was just going to stay there until the rain had disappeared. he laughed at this and then got really angry after several bouts of hysteria and tears told me "Make a decision Mad, this way or that way" "NO WAY" I screamed. "I just want to stay here"
In the end I settled on going on, oh and the reasons being for the urgency was that we both wanted new tattoos. I was happy to forgo mine and not wade neck deep in water but Sean really wanted his. Double sigh.

Clutching my bag... no not Marc he wasn't taken out in the rain, oh no no. Gripping Sean's hand tighter than a Boer constrictor he led me in this case not to higher ground but to a road where there was more water and deeper.  By now I was pretty much over every thing and acting like a 3 year old. But never fear ... we found a road leading to the beach. Surely that would be safe......

Oh yeh safe... the waves were about 10 feet high and the devastation of the place looked like something out of a movie set, still there was enough beach to walk along. I near enough walked within an inch of the neighbouring hotels while Sean thought it was hilarious that he walk between the boundary and the sea, I had to instruct him to walk next to me as "I will NOT be rescuing you, NOR will I leave Australia" (here on his Visa you see) (But don't worry I do have a plan B!!!)
We do then some how make it to the town, my heart is still going a bazillion beats per minute and I felt terrified as now I'm wondering how we will get back to the villa.

The end result was that the rain got heavier, we did NOT lie once on our sun loungers, we did NOT stare lovingly at each other, we did NOT get another night out in Ko Samui, we did NOT get a massage, we did however get our tattoos done and I managed to get sick on the last day after insisting "I want a Thai curry at least before we go" (having only eating some sort of noodle pot that we waded to the 7 elven to get, I felt compelled to at least say I'd eaten an authentic curry while in Thailand) WRONG..  I spent the whole aeroplane journey home near death, a near slight sick incident occurred but luckily the stewardess moved herself when I tapped her on the bottom as she was beside me giving out food, boy did she run down that isle, actually so did I. NOT good. Poor me.

2 weeks back at home and we're now 5 km's from a bush fire. My darling husband laughed and disagreed that "Marc and my Tiffany jewellery MUST be saved" he responded by saying "Drones and watches are more important"
Hmmm I beg to differ.
Still very frightening seeing the smoke and smelling it and realising that actually we live some where that has bush fires. Eeeek.

                               Our faces when we were told we were landing in Phuket

                                                 Our NOT tropical beach, see NO sun.

 Our beautiful pool, oh I lie it did get used... by the pool maintenance guy who got in fully clothed to                                                                     fix the light.

                        This was the road that caused me to cry and have the mini melt down

                                                      Yes, you do see people in a kayak

                                                   Oh look another road I had to wade through

             Can I say the wading and hysterics were worth it to get these beauts? Hmm not sure.
                                                                Cute though hey!!

Around the world in 80 malls

My dear friend jokingly came up with the title of this blog so a big thank you to her.
Presently sat on the upstairs, yes you read that right the upstairs of a massive plane not business or first but better.
Our plane leaving the UK was delayed because of fog, I in a diva strop asked Sean how difficult can it be to land in fog “Very Mad, the planes can’t see the runway so they have to leave longer gaps in between each landing” “Well that’s ridiculous” I told him.
So our connecting flight was missed even before we’d caught the first plane. Sigh. We were told by the guy at Heathrow not to worry we would of course be on another flight, my biggest concern and worry….. what about my suitcases. He tried to reassure me they would be put on the same plane as us. But what does he know. I may have had another little mini strop to Sean about this “because my clothes are vintage and they CANNOT be replaced” he tried to reassure me that yes we have insurance and not to worry. “Sean I don’t think you fully understand my wardrobe” I’m now shrieking at him as we’re walking around Dubai airport to firstly go downstairs to go through arrivals only to then come back up to check in for a flight we weren’t catching for 27 hrs to then go back down for a bus to take us to the hotel.
“My jumpsuit for example is vintage” I’m telling him “Mad you bought that last year” “Exactly” I’m pretty hysterical by now “It’s vintage and irreplaceable, and don’t forget my Marc Jacobs bags are in there, I CANNOT loose them” he then probably for the best shut up. So yes we’re finally on our way to Bangkok a day and a half late hopefully with our bags in tow.
So yay me I finally got my Marc Jacobs bag, oh wait I actually got 2, oh and a purse. To say I’m a little excited and chuffed is an understatement. I’m also the owner of a very amazing and oh so beautiful Tiffany necklace. Well it’s rude to go into a shop and not buy something isn’t it. Sean got his new watch which he bought before we got there and he got a new camera lens so he did alright to.
When we landed in New York bare in mind we were probably still jet lagged from only having 6 days getting used to UK time, we had to obviously clear customs which took so long by the time we got to the belt which had our luggage on there was in fact no luggage on there. Nothing. Sean ran around one side I the other. Still nothing. Queue another diva fit (yes by me) but luckily it was chucked to the side and both suitcases there, phew panic over.
We then had the dilemma of yellow cab, Uber or some dodgy random offering us a cheaper much better deal. Sean hearing his favourite word followed the dodgy man. I merely followed after muttering words like you called this not me. I had the sense to check he was going the right way on Google maps which was all well and good until he turned off and went down the Bronxs. Anyway he eventually did get back en route and we arrived at our beautiful hotel in style and safely. 30 minutes to check in but still OK because I’m in New York and ready to shop (8pm at night by now) so after being given all the waffle about our hotel the guy then says “So we’re actually full tonight but we’ve put you up in another hotel just up the road, come back tomorrow and your room will be ready here”. Queue another diva fit by me. Feeling like how I can only assume Mary and Joseph felt like, we walked out of our beautiful hotel to the one up the road, which was very much like the stable I believe Mary and Joseph were given. But hey we’d landed and we were ready to not sleep as that’s the law in New York.
We hit it big on the first night at Times Square, Empire States (although the queue for this at 10pm was insane -enough said) and had a vodka or 2 at the Irish bar. Begged again to the first hotel to please find a room for the night only to be told again they were full.
New York has to be said is crazy busy but incredible. If you can get past all the crowds and the beeping of traffic you can accomplish anything. We watched a show on Broadway where I fell asleep the first half, Sean the second then walked out due to it being so boring. Which was a shame as I was so excited about seeing it. Not sure if the falling asleep was because of the free pour Times Square cocktail I had before or because I was genuinely tired.
Remember in my last post I said it was rude to not have a drink when offered one on the flight, well consequently I’ve just had a gin and a wine (no not together, although maybe in my younger days I would have, who am I kidding I still would today but as I’m upstairs in a plane I feel I MUST behave) I feel a little light headed, the plane is going through some turbulence which I’m blaming on the fact that it’s taking me so long to write each sentence and not because my eyes are in fact seeing double. Maybe the story line for a new movie “drunk on a plane”
The child in front of me is squealing like a pig and looking to get slapped by me and the person behind has got his stinky nasty feet on my foot rest and is grossing me out. Maybe I need more gin.

Back to business. Whilst at our unexpected stay in Dubai we went shopping. Probably not best to do while sleep depraved  (I know this from my trusty UP band telling me last week my sleep average was 5 hours and this week is 4 hours Also it told me functioning on 4 hours can make you cognitively impaired and feel like you are legally drunk. When I showed this to Sean he said I was cognitively impaired yesterday on account of in the space of 30 seconds I asked to go to a shop then turned around had a diva strop and said I wanted to go back to the hotel. He of course is lying.
I’m not a fan of Dubai on account that Sean keeps telling me what I can and can’t do. Can’t wear short skirts, can’t hold hands, can’t kiss etc, it became a little frustrating and also caused me to have yet another diva fit resulting in him turning away and not speaking to me.
3 hours until we land, going to try and watch a film now to sober me up. Hic!
PS turbulence is not good when you’re feeling drunk and the seat belt sign is on. I may have to start wailing like the brat in front.

Look how much room I had beside me, because yes, yes we were upstairs in a plane.
Yes you're right that is my very new, very amazing, very beautiful new Marc Jacobs bag (one of them) yay me.