Human surfboard

It's been so long since I've sat down and blogged, I forget how much I love it and miss it, so what better way than to get back in the swing of it with telling you about my Bangkok holiday. 😲😲, 

On a side note the few years I've haven't written we have - Moved States, we now live in Sunny Queensland where we have 2 seasons hot and frikken hot, I have my desperately always wanted and very spoilt Bulldog, more about him later, we still have Boomer and to say he shows his disapproval daily at us gifting him Teddy is an understatement. (sorry not sorry), I have another new job although still in the same one since moving here (almost a record) I am still very much having disasters and funny moments so sit back, get comfy and enjoy the story.

We've just had a week in Bangkok, it was great, we flew out business class, no expense spared! 

Look proper glasses no less, and we had proper cutlery. Fancy! We didn't get the lie down beds, we were Jetstar after all, but we did get a little cushions that yes if it had fitted in my bag I would have kept it. It was perfect size for the car. Did keep the fancy little travel bag with lotion, ear plugs, toothbrush, oh and inflatable neck cushion and eye mask. Literally felt like I'd won the lottery!!

We splashed out for the hotel and went executive, being mature and all fancy pants now (as if). Brekky afternoon tea AND free flow nighty cocktails 5pm - 7pm. Tick, Tick, Tick. 

Check in went smoothly where we were gifted with the knowledge that we had a free 1 hour foot massage each, Sean needed no encouragement to give me his, he hates massages and anything to do with wellness. Bingo for me,

Booked in said foot massage for the middle of the week and looked forward to it so much, I was figuratively dancing on air till the day, we were walking no less than a trillion steps a day so my poor feet were in desperate need of some TLC and for an hour, yay, did I mention an hour !!

Obviously I prepared for the HOUR massage, clean and beautifully manicured toes for me, best flips flops on and off I walked to the salon, which wasn't there, maybe that should have been my first red flag? Off I trot to the reception who, cloak in dagger called someone on a phone he sprung from underneath the desk, no judgement from me, my "therapist" springs up form nowhere and asks me to follow her which I dutifully do. For a free HOUR foot massage I would do cartwheels. On the walk she asks me if I'd like my lower back done, heck yes I would, from walking a trillion miles a day I'm feeling pretty stiff. 

By now my shoulders are literally dropping down from my ears and I'm beginning to relax. Yay!

We end up in basically a hotel room no fancy salon here (second red flag??) but at least there were massage tables, the lady that walked me to the room disappears and in comes another lady. who introduces herself and asks me to lie face down on the table. 

Oh I thought I've never had a foot massage lying down but she clearly knows what she's doing maybe this is more relaxing. so down I pop, again I'm relaxing so much, I try and sink into the rock hard table but struggle to get comfy, but I don't make a fuss I'm here for an hour I intend to enjoy it.

Oh my goodness, what happened next is NOT a foot massage, up she jumps on the table ninja style and kneels on my thighs, yes kneels then proceeds to gyrate around and around and around, I'm so shocked I can't speak, I could barely breathe, after a good few minutes off she jumps and goes round to my head and what can only be described as - rummages in my hair, couple of slaps to the head and then back up she jumps for more gyrating. Minutes later she jumps off and orders me to sit up, which of course I do, because I am getting an hour foot massage, while sitting she pushes me forward and backwards like I'm possessed and she's trying to shake some evil spirits from me, then again rummages in my hair, I'm given a few more slaps then she runs out the room. I'm left sitting and wondering and feeling violated for her to come back with a potion and insists "you drink" I politely declined several times, but she stood firm and made me, (for the record I didn't get sick or start to hallucinate so its ok to say it was harmless)

I'm still hopeful my feet are getting something of the 50 minutes of the free massage that's left, not a chance she shows me her phone and says "you leave me good review" of course I smiled and said absolutely,. 

Can you imagine the review booked in for a free hour long foot massaged and ended up being a human surfboard and looking like I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards. 

When I got back to the room not only was Sean amazed I was back a mere 15 minutes after leaving for my FREE one HOUR foot massage he asked with concern and horror "What the hell happened to you Mad"

But wait all is not lost (well actually is it but I have to keep you in suspense a little bit longer and ensure you read to the end) 

Sean suggested after I told him how I was ridden like a human buckaroo to "Book in at a proper place Mad, the one you found earlier". Great idea my love I will do that. 

So hair smothered down and smile readjusted, we walked next door. Eyed up the place and decided yup this looks good I will DEFINTELY get my hour foot massage as described on the board, on the website and indeed by the lady encouraging me to come in. 

Handy for Sean there was a pub next door. 

Off he pops after asking "You will be ok, won't you?" "Darling of course I will, what could go wrong a second time" 

I did indeed get my hour long foot massage, it was heaven, ok admittedly she could have spent less time on my calves and more time on my actual feet but hey for 30 bucks I'm not complaining (well I kinda am a little bit) just before she finished and again warning flag when she started to giggle, she pats the stool she was sat on for the last 55 minutes and says sit, yes, yes of course I scrabble out of my seat to do as I'm told. 

Holey smokes, I thought the previous lady was rough slapping me on the head, this lady went full Tyson on me, she had me bet up like a human pretzel, and the more I resisted her the harder she went, to the point where I'm sure I heard bones cracking. After being slapped on the head a few more times she proceeded to leave, I took this as my cue to also leave. with my neck severely sore and barely able to now look left I made my way out to reception to find a drink a biscuit by my shoes and ordered to DRINK. Not going to lie the biscuit did look pretty good from the one and only angle I could now see but I resisted, paid and stumbled out in need of a proper drink . Found Sean next door as promised in a pub that really should have given you a hazmat suit on the way in. 

Note to self don't trust FREE hour long foot massages and don't resist super human strength masseuse when being bent in a human pretzel.